


Head Hunting

by Brekkable



Series: Dribbles and Drabbles and Here's a Hanky to Wipe That Up [2]
Category: The Avengers (Marvel Movies)
Genre: Dialogue-Only, Literary References & Allusions
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-10-31
Updated: 2019-10-30
Packaged: 2021-01-15 04:07:34
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,629
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21247217
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Brekkable/pseuds/Brekkable
Summary: Short conversations between various Marvel peeps, and random OCs. These are drabbles for a reason; if I ever make one into a real story, Pinocchio, it's gonna take a miracle. Feel free to draw inspiration as you like, but direct quotations should be properly referenced.





	Head Hunting

**Author's Note:**

> These dialogue-only snippets are the result of sitting at far too many red lights, on my way home from work. Instead of ranting at drivers, etc. I have pretend phone conversations with fictional characters. Out loud. Rarely, I manage to reproduce those conversations and post them here, with very little added in the way of...anything. Good luck!

**BOLD TEXT = OC POV**

(Little text inside parentheses = background conversation heard dimly over the phone)

DL = Darcy Lewis; TS = Tony Stark; BB = Bruce Banner; JF = Jane Foster

\----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

*riiiing* *riiiing*

**“...Hello?”**

DL: “Hey, Bex!”

(TS: “Bex? Who names their kid ‘Bex’?”

(BB: “Probably a nickname…”)

**“Hey, Darcy! What’s up?”**

DL: “So….”

**“Uh-huh. What kind of trouble are you trying to make, now?”**

DL: “Just...head-hunting. A little.”

**“The kind with a job offer, or the kind with a shrinking solution?”**

(TS: *pffffff* “I _like_ her.”)

DL: “Oh, come on, would I get into that kind of trouble?”

**“Yes. Absolutely.”**

DL: “You know, I could be lurking around the corner with my shrinking solution right now…”

**“Nope. You’re in New York, and I’m in Florida. I’m in no danger from you.”**

DL: “And what makes you so sure?”

**“You’re not supervillain enough to actually make that sentence sound sincere, Darcy.”**

DL: “Hey! I am surrounded by multiple examples of the Mad Scientist type; I am totally supervillain enough!”

**“Nope; proximity does not supervillainry make. Besides, Mad Scientists are not Supervillains; and you’re not surrounded by Mad Scientists, anyway.”**

DL: “...You obviously do not remember meeting Jane.”

(JF: “_Hey_!”)

**“Oh, Jane is definitely a Mad Scientist.”**

(JF: “I am not!”

(BB: “You are, I’m afraid.” 

(TS: “Own it, Foster!” 

(DL: “You are so totally a Mad Scientist, boss.”)

**“...But one Mad Scientist does not make you ‘surrounded’ by them. Tony Stark is not a Mad Scientist.”**

(TS: “_What._”)

**“...And I don’t know who else you work with, but I’m pretty sure I’d be getting more drunk phone calls from you if there was another Mad Scientist in your labs.”**

(TS: “I think I might be insulted…”)

DL: *cackle* “So if Tony Stark  _ isn’t _ a Mad Scientist, what is he? A supervillain?”

(TS: “Ok, now I’m conflicted. Is supervillainry better than Mad Science in this context?”)

**“Tony Stark is ** ** _definitely_ ** ** more Supervillain than Mad Scientist.”**

TS: “OK, i have to jump in here and ask: what’s the difference between a Mad Scientist and a Supervillain? Also, consider yourself headhunted, regardless of the distance between us.”

**“Dr. Stark, I presume?”**

(DL: “Nice.”)

TS: “Hah. Witty. You have wit. Mad Scientist vs Supervillain, what’s the difference?”

**“Mad Scientists don’t experiment on themselves.”**

TS: “...”

DL: “...”

(All: “...”)

TS: “Ok, i’ll bite; what do you mean, ‘Mad Scientists don’t experiment on themselves’?”

**“Just that. Mad Scientists are all about the science; ethics, morals, and all that stuff aren’t necessarily a thing for them. They care only about the science, about getting the results, about the experiment succeeding. And the best way to see the results of the experiment succeed is to be able to view it from the outside; they don’t experiment on themselves, because they if they do, they can’t focus on the experiment. So they use other people.”**

(JF: “I do _not_ experiment on other people. I’m an astrophysicist; I don’t _use_ people!”

(DL: “Oh, you totally  _ use _ people, boss. Maybe not to experiment  _ on _ , but you definitely do the whole ‘I am sciencing right now, and you will obey my every whim and do everything I tell you because your personhood does not matter when science is afoot and I need equipment calibrated, and damn the consequences to the structural integrity of the universe.’”

(JF: “...I do not. And I don’t sound like that.”

(DL: “Yeah, well, that’s how it comes across.”)

TS: “Fine, so Foster is a Mad Scientist; didn’t really protest that in the first place. So how does a Supervillain differ?”

DL: “Supervillains experiment on themselves? That’s where you were going with this, right?”

**“Yup. Supervillains are all about maximum results for minimum effort; they’re going to make sure that the action has the intended affect. The best way to do that? Experimenting on yourself. Mad Scientists don’t care who they affect, they just want results; Supervillains don’t target people unless they want those people targeted.”**

TS: “...and I’m a Supervillain.”

**“You target specific people, Dr. Stark. You target specific people in the media, specific people in the government, specific people in the diplomatic corps, specific enemies, specific friends. You know damn well what you’re doing when you’re doing it, because you know how to get under peoples’ skin, how to get their attention, how to get a specific reaction. You’re very much a Supervillain, even in your own labs. I mean, come on, your Iron Man suit is the result of experimenting on yourself; you don’t let anyone else have access to it. You are definitely more of a Supervillain than a Mad Scientist.”**

DL: “...I can totally see it, now.”

**“I mean, it’s a trope definition, so it’s total crap on a literal level, but yeah, the Mad Scientist/Supervillain division is a real thing.”**

BB: “And what am I?”

**“...An unknown voice speaking across the radio waves?”**

BB: *chuckle* “I’m sorry. My name is Dr. Bruce Banner; I’m a physicist who works with Drs. Stark and Foster. I’m afraid Darcy has had an audience for your discussion.”

**“Oh! Right! You’re Dr. Banner! I should have figured that one out. Darcy’s told me all about you guys. Her Three Caballeros, Science version.”**

(JF: “Let me guess, Darcy: you’re the Aracuan Bird?”

(DL: “Got it in one, boss!”

(JF: “...Just tell me I’m not Panchito.”

(DL: “Sorry, Jane, but I met you in New Mexico and we bonded over bad tequila.”)

BB: “Darcy talks about me? About...the three of us?”

(TS: “Why do i get the feeling that you’ve cast Bruce as Jose and me as Donald?”)

**“Yes, she likes to vent to me after lab catastrophes. And near-catastrophes. And after Dr. Stark leaves pyramids of partially-drunk cups of coffee blocking the main entrance to the shared lab.”**

(TS: *snicker*)

**“Anyway, Darcy’s never come out and said it, but I’m guessing that you’re the Big Green Dude, right? She talks about all the other Avengers on the team, and she talks about you. Not necessarily the best leap of logic, but am I wrong?”**

BB: “You are not...wrong. No.”

**“So you want to know if you’re a Supervillain, or a Mad Scientist?”**

BB: “...I don’t think I’m a Supervillain. But, I also don’t seem to fit your definition of a Mad Scientist.”

**“Hmm. Yeah, you’re right. You don’t really suit either the Supervillain ** ** _or_ ** ** the Mad Scientist.”**

BB: *tired laugh* “Maybe Dr. Frankenstein? He only experimented on corpses, right?”

(TS: “Bruce.”

(DL: “Hey, Jose, you are  _ totally _ not that.”)

**“Huh. See, if you’re going to head into that piece of literature for the metaphor, I’d say you’re closer to Frankenstein’s Monster.”**

(JF: “Is this...helping? This -  _ not _ helping.”

(TS: “Lewis, the headhunting is becoming less metaphorical…”

(DL: “...”)

BB: “...The murdering monster that is not a real person and hunts down its creator in order to avenge its own existence?”

**“See, I was more thinking less quote-unquote monster and more creature who believes it has no intrinsic value because of society’s perceptions, and seeks to destroy the ignorance, egoism, and obsession that made its existence possible.”**

BB: “That’s...a very interesting way of describing it. And if I am the Creature, who is my...the Hulk?”

**“Well, actually, if I were really going to describe the Hulk as a character from Shelly’s book, it would be as Elizabeth Lavenza.”**

(DL: “Oooohh.”

(JF: “ _ Interesting _ .”

(TS: “...Who?”)

**“Elizabeth is used as an emotional outlet for the majority of the main characters; she is forced by circumstances into becoming the caregiver for the Frankenstein family, despite her wishes for freedom to travel and go to university. She is purely passive; she is never given the chance to stand as her own person, and make her own choices. She is constantly portrayed as someone who is of value only when targeted as such by other people; she is made the scapegoat by the creature for his own enforced loneliness. She lived and died in order for other people to be able to express their sadness, fear, and anger; it is her entire purpose as a character.”**

(TS: “...Oh, right, the girlfriend. I forgot about her.”

(DL: “Let me guess: you’ve only seen the movies.”

(TS: “I think I skimmed the book thirty years ago, but...yes.”)

BB: “That’s...an interesting take on it.”

**“Like I said, it’s total crap on a literal level, but I think fairly accurate in broadly metaphorical terms. Broadly metaphorical terms? I guess that works as the description i’m looking for. Can things be accurate in broad terms? ...Now I’m confused.”**

BB: *huff of laughter* “I suppose broadly metaphorical terms works for me.”

**“Oh. Good.”**

JF: “...So. Rebecca. Are you a Supervillain or a Mad Scientist? Or...a Victorian novel character?”

DL: “ John Watson.” ** “John Watson.” **

DL: “Jinx!”

DL: “Watson was an observer, passive and aggressive by turn, constantly reacting to the machinations of possibly most aggravating roommate slash best friend slash lover imaginable; had the patience of a saint coupled with the curiosity that killed several cats. Ah yes, my Boswell!”

**“I rather think not. I’ve told you before, you’re Mycroft, ** ** _not_ ** ** Sherlock. And, Watson and Holmes were ** ** _not_ ** ** banging.”**

(JF: “Not until Watson’s wife died, anyway.”

(TS: “Or she managed to convince them into a threeway relationship.”)

BB: “Didn’t they retire together to an idyllic cottage in the countryside?”

(JF: “ _ After _ his wife died. After.”

(TS: “Right. Because homosexual relationships only start when the women are unavailable.”

(JF: “ _ No. _ Because Holmes didn’t settle down until he was getting his boogy on with Watson.  _ After the wife died. _ ”)

**“They were like brothers! Really, really codependent brothers. Really codependent, in an occasionally abusive relationship. Sherlock is an ** ** _arse_ ** **, and I will never understand how Watson didn’t put itching powder in his dressing gown.”**

JF: “Careful, your British is showing through...”

**Author's Note:**

> Please feel free to use any of these plot threads if the bunny so bites you.


End file.
